I think you just ruined everything.

"Sweetie, he's bipolar. It's hard to have definite conclusions with him."
I think being with you is almost harder than being without you.

Can anyone say bipolar? I think I'm getting motion sickness from this roller coaster.

This is more than I could ever ask for, to be honest. But, to be more honest, I wish you were all mine.

The only reason I tried to hurt you was because I thought I never could. I'm so sorry.

Someone told me once when I was younger that if you don't get in fights with a friend, you're not really that close. Can't say I disagree.

I want you all the way now.
But thank you for coming back at all.
You're the only thing keeping my somewhat stable.

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did. I said I'd never let you fall, and I always meant it. If you never had a chance, then I never did. <3

You're going to be so goddamn sorry.

You're gonna catch a cold, from all the ice that's on your soul.

Who cares if you disagree? You are not me. Who made you king of anything?

The Reader

From The Reader:

"The tectonic layers of our lives rest so tightly one on top of the other that we always come up against earlier events in later ones, not as a matter that has been fully formed and pushed aside, but absolutely present and alive."

What You Never Knew

I'm quite a broken individual. My emotional pain causes tears to fly down my cheeks uncontrollably, but physical pain doesn't so much as make me stir. I can bite my lip and fake it, in most cases.

Break my arm, I can deal.
Break my leg, I can deal.
Break any body part, I can deal.
Break a promise, things get more complicated.
Break my heart?
This is territory I believe you don't really want to venture into.

I miss you more than words can describe, and it sickens me. How can I want someone so much when they hurt me so badly?

"It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

Yeah? Well what if you never stop loving, even if you've lost? What then?

Dear God.

Shred my soul to pieces; it can match my heart.

Twist my appearance into an indecipherable blur; it can match my mind.

Break my bones; they can match every ounce of my existence.

Prove to me that you exist.

What's the most creative, but effective, way for a person to die? I'd like to "go out with a bang," as they say.

It Feels So Damn Good To Write Off The Rules

I want you back in my life.

Hmmm.

I guess being depressed really does make you care less about things that used to be important to you. Yeah, I'm exhausted, even though it's 10:30 at night. And yes, considering the state of my exhaustion, I should be in bed, asleep. But I also know I won't be able to fall asleep for about an hour, at the least, considering my newly-adopted insomnia (that isn't REALLY new). So yes, I should be working on completing the forty-some flashcards due tomorrow for AP World History. And yet, I'm on Youtube, Facebook, and my blog. I even put my notecards away. And I didn't do my math homework, or study for the math and history tests I have tomorrow. And guess what? My mom said if I didn't get at least B's on both tests, I'm off of Facebook for a week. I most likely won't get B's on either test. You'd think I'd be working my ass off. But you know what? I honestly just don't give a shit. I think everything will work out in the end. And honestly, if it doesn't? It's not like I'm truly obligated to stay here.

They say suicide is a sin.
And my one response to that is simply:

I do not believe in god.

The devil can have me.

Maybe jumping off that cruise ship isn't such a bad idea. We all know I won't have some gorgeous Jack Dawson figure to save me.

I enjoy reading novels about teen mental hospitals. I'm not sure if it's because they make them seem more appealing or less appealing.

I wonder what you'll tell people when they ask why your daughter hasn't spoken to you in years.

Scattered

I don't understand how a roomful of people can smile when someone close to them has to be dragged out of the room because they are in so much pain. Her cries of agony were terrifying, and yet you all managed to continue on, laughing, as if nothing had happened? Look, I don't even know Kelsey that well. Not as well as a lot of you, anyway. And yet I was the one that couldn't concentrate because I was worried about her. Most of you didn't give it a second thought. What kind of people are you?


So many other people say they feel the same way as I do most of the time. So why do I feel so alone?

Intertwined

I was walking into Best Buy this evening, when I saw a couple a few yards ahead of me. There was nothing special about this couple in the slightest, nothing that really struck me about them. However, I began to wonder, "who comes to Best Buy as a couple this late, when it's so goddamn cold out?" And then I realized: I had no idea why.

We see countless people every day. It's safe to say that many of the paths we cross belong to people we've never seen before and may never see again. We simply ignore these strangers because, well, why wouldn't we?

It just suddenly hit me tonight, looking at this random couple walking into an electronics store, that I had no idea how much serenity or chaos could be taking place not ten yards away from me at any given time. I know that when I'm in public and my emotions are about to explode that it's sometimes almost impossible to tell that anything is wrong.

So much is happening at once on the planet, and we all get so caught up in our own lives that we don't bother to see the big picture. No, this isn't one of those "take the time to care about others" speeches. It's more of a "take the time to realize that you aren't alone here and be aware of other situations" speech.

Why was that couple walking into Best Buy that late on such a cold night? 

Maybe her insane mother-in-law threw their cordless phone out the window, and they needed to pick up a new one because he was expecting an important call later that night.

Maybe they were having relationship problems and were trying to resolve their issues with monetary items.

Maybe they were just beginning to fall in love and were picking out a movie to watch during the night.

Maybe they weren't even a couple.

You just never know.

Dear Sister,

I know I should be proud of you for your accomplishments, and I know that deep down, I truly am. But you have to understand how difficult it is for me to see you bask in your glory while I try so hard to gain any pride and respect I can from our parents. Writing has been my passion for as long as I can remember, and people tell me that I'm good. And here you are, eleven years old, and you're published in a book. I know how horrible of a person I am for being jealous. I know that it's wrong, and that I should just support you. But it hurts so much that I can never measure up to someone three years younger than me. It kills me that you're so superior to me in their eyes, when in reality, I've been through much worse situations than you could ever dream of. I guess that's partially my fault for hiding it. But you wouldn't want a fucked up sister, would you?

I really do love you. I just wish that they could be proud of me for once, too. I'm sorry that I'm so jealous and don't sing your praises like you deserve me too. I just can't let myself. I'm so sorry.

-Jami

Fuck You

Dear egotistical, immature, conceited bitches that feel the need to harrass me on a daily basis.

Yes, I actually DO care.

I know what you've been saying about me, and I know none of it is true. So get the hell out of my life. It's not like you're making anything easier for me.

No, I didn't try to "steal your boyfriend." He simply had a better relationship with me because I actually gave a damn about him.

No, I didn't start rumors about you or deface your picture on that stupid bulliten board. Like I said, I'm sorry that I'm not a five year old.

Fuck you.

-Me

This Just Makes Things So Much Better

Do I need help?
I probably do. I really should go see a therapist.
But I don't want to be "one of those people."
And I don't want to trust a random stranger with the "problems" that I apparently am not capable of handling on my own. I don't want to make someone else responsible for my well-being. Every time that happens I just get hurt.

No, Mr/s. Therapist, I don't want to meet you, invest my time in you, or even my parents' money. (Which is definitely the first thing on my mind, of course.) I know that you "care" and "want to help," and want to know how I feel about that, but really, aren't you just making money off of my insanity? How about we make you do this for free. Do you still "care" about me?

I don't like that I'm used to this kind of pain.

Yesterday, I Found A Hundred Dollars On The Floor

I swear on my life, I seriously did.

Maybe it's a good sign?

Who knows.

I'm in a good mood :)


(And no, I don't really feel guilty that I didn't turn it in. Whoever the fuck brings that much money to school and doesn't take care of it deserves to have it taken :P )


Now, enjoy a picture I drew and took and edited!

See, it's symbolic.

Beautiful things can come out of notsobeautiful ones.

*Fin

"If this is salvation, I can show you the trembling.
You'll just have to trust me. I'm scared.

I am the patron saint of lost causes.
Aren't we all to you just near lost causes?
Aren't we all to you just lost?"

 

-Anberlin

Ha.

If you look at it differently, this is almost funny.

I never would've imagined this. Not five years ago, not even one.

Funny how things change.

Into The Cave

Yesterday I ended my path to recovery. I'm not sure if it was intentional, but I honestly wouldn't be surprised. Maybe I don't want to save myself. Maybe I just hate that need I have inside myself to be perfect all the time.

I embrace the mistakes. Why?
If I let myself hate them, I would be even more worse off.

So I guess now begins a new trek; a new path, to a dark place I don't believe I've ever been. I'm not ready, and I don't think this is what I even want.

But some things are inevitable.

I feel like you're an empty hole in my heart that's impossible to fill.
Why can't you leave me alone?
Why can't I set myself free?
Why can't I fall asleep?

So much for a clean recovery.
Ha.

I'd be lying if I said this blog wasn't a cry for help.

I'd also be lying if I said I wanted to be saved.

Alright.

Self-loathing is the worst kind of hatred.

When you can't look at yourself in the mirror without cringing...
When you can't think about yourself without wishing you were someone else...

Hate is a strong word.

Turn it inward, and you're as good as dead.

I hate seeing your name in my outbox. It reminds me that it's not in my inbox.

We love that game, but we never play 'cuz we will lose.

You opened my eyes to things I'll never really see.

Do you want me to pick up the pieces? I will.

Thanksgiving

I'm going to try and remain optimistic. No promises.

Things I'm Thankful For:

1. My (partial) sanity.
2. Music to help me get through shit.
3. My friends. Ever single one of them. They're the reason I'm still here, and each one has their very own place in my heart. Even the ones I don't talk to as much, or the ones I rarely get to see (yes, Emily Greenberg, I'm talking to you, since I know you read my blog almost every day!). I wouldn't be able to stand all of the stuff going on without them, and I hope they all know that I would do absolutely anything to see them smile, keep them safe, and make them happy.
4. My sister. Yes, we fight. All the time. And yes, I'm often a total bitch to her because I'm more often than not in a terrible mood. But I live for the days where we go crazy and roll around on the floor laughing and play cards and just be wild. Because I love her so much, and I hate that my relationship with my parents is starting to take a toll on the relationship I have with my sister. But I'm going to try as hard as I can not to let them ruin anything between us. She's so beautiful and unique, and I love her with all my heart.
5. My problems. No, not really... But I feel like I should be, because I know they'll help me somehow in the long run. Hopefully.
6. That I have a pretty good life compared to most people. Yeah, I have problems in my life. Everyone does. And I know that I complain about how bad my life is. And yeah, I truly am unhappy. But I know that I would much rather choose this life than the lives of many other people in the world. And while I don't always show it, I really am thankful for all of the good, positive things in my life. Even the little things like my favorite TV shows and bubbles and coloring books and the smell of chlorine when I walk into my school's pool. And yes, my relationship with my parents sucks, and there's a chance I'll never speak to them once I grow up. But I'm thankful that I at least have a choice not to talk to them. Some people have never even met their parents, or they lost one or even both.
Yes, my life isn't as great as I wish it was.
But it's definitely not anywhere near as bad as it potentially could be.
And that is something I can be thankful for.

So yeah, I only got six things on my list. But the majority of those things are just titles, placeholders for the many feelings and appreciations I hold inside. I'm thankful for so many little things that it would truly be a waste to write them down. But I just might.

Happy Thanksgiving :)

"Do it or in 10 seconds I will walk you outside and close the door. Where you go after that is up to you."

Thanks, "Dad."

Lock me up. This time, I'm not going to fight.

Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop STOP.

I'm running. I'm running so fast that nothing can touch me...I'm finally in charge.

I'm flying. I am fucking flying. I'm over it all. Nothing can hurt me.

But I'm not flying.
I'm falling.
Hard.

I'm plummeting toward the ground so fast that I don't know which way is up.

I don't know how to make it stop.

Today is going to be a good day.
I can feel it. :)

Wrap Me In Your Arms, And Chill Me To The Bone

You left me with nothing. 

And you rub in in my face on a daily basis.

Slow the fuck down, I can't keep up with all of this.

Or better yet, just stop the world.

I want to get off.

 

She asked me if I was depressed. I said no. And she believed me.

I have no family.

And you know I see right through you, cause the world gets in your way. What's the point in all the screaming? No one's listening anyway.

I Never Meant To Hide Anything, But I'll Never Tell The Truth. Commit This To Memory

If only I had known....

I would've captured every moment, documented every second, every word.

I would've burnt every smile into my mind, and memorized all the laughs until I could've strung them together and turned them into my favorite song.

If only I had known that I wouldn't always have you within my reach.

Get me the fuck out of here.

I Shake And Burn Like An Addict. My Hearing's Dead; Only Static.

According to the various mental health websites I've consulted, I appear to have the symptoms of:

Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Bipolar

Manic Depression

OCD

ADHD

Early symptoms of Schizophrenia

Attachment/Dependency Problems

Dispersonalization

Good to know that I really am fucked up.

'Cause I'd Rather Feel Pain Than Nothing At All

You saved me in every way a person can be saved. And at the same time, I have nothing because you've taken all I can give.

You were the one person I could be myself with. But now, more than ever, I feel so disconnected from my own mind and body.

You were the only one that could handle me when I was breaking down, and helped make me stable again. And yet, I'm slowly going insane.

You gave me a purpose to be alive, to come out of my shell and actually mean shit to someone. And now I just want to curl up in a hole and waste away into nothing.

You made me feel like I was the most goddamn special girl on the planet. And now I feel like the most insignificant little speck in the entirety of the universe.

Funny how life screws you over, isn't it?
Funny how we always turn into the people we swore we'd never become.
Funny how the people that mean the most to us are the ones that hurt us the most.
Funny how it always seems so unexpected when in reality, it's so excrutiatingly predictable.

"People do crazy things for the people they love."

-You

She found out she's got no soul, but it really doesn't bother her.

Is Anybody Out There?

I try to believe in god. But I just can't bring myself to.

And honestly, if I did believe in god, I'd hate him.

So maybe it's a good thing that I don't.

11:11.
Make a fucking wish.

Is This The End Of Everything We've Known?

I'm sick of waiting for you to come back.
I'm sick of you being okay without me.
I'm sick of not being okay without you.
I'm sick of feeling so empty all the time.
I'm sick of not having you to hold onto.
I'm sick of being stuck in a one-way relationship that I no longer want to take part in.

I'm sick of you.

Get the fuck out of my head, and give me back my heart. All you're doing is breaking it.

"I've got the gun
All I need is ten cents for the bullet
I feel helpless, sleeping at best, waiting for your return
Are you ever coming home?"

 

 

 

 

Hide behind your half smile, but the truth is so undeniable.

My Mask Is Growing Heavy, But I've Forgotten Who's Beneath

What the hell is it about you that just refuses to let go of me? It's like you're fucking suffocating me, but want nothing to do with me.


I don't know how to handle this. You won't let me fix it. You won't let me change this for the better. And as much as I'm losing hope, I know that I'll never let myself give up. But for once, that's not a good thing.

"There's someone inside me 

that softly kills everyone around
They don't know they're dead to me,

cause intent never makes a sound"

Maybe you were right. I always end up destroying every relationship with a human being I ever have. This isn't the first time. It most like won't be the last. 

But right now, it's the worst.

I see you look at me with your arms draped around her shoulders, and I can't even read your expression. Taunting me, or regretting letting me go? Stop fucking looking into my eyes and still trying to pretend I don't exist.

"You're sick, sick as all the

Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide"

They all say to just get over you. And it's not like I'm not trying. But god, when someone takes that much of you and holds it over your head, it's impossible to walk away. I'll never be whole again. 

"There's an art in seclusion. Production in depression
if a stranger turns up missing, this song is my confession
Tell the tales of the trail of dead, lovers learn from slower hands
Losing self in myself, inner demons make demands"

I'm going INSANE.

Fire can make a conscience clean. Strike a match, we'll see.

We're Okay... Until The Day We're Not.

I don't understand why we all feel that we need to hide our own feelings.
Would it really be so goddamn terrible if we just stopped lying to ourselves and everyone around us for once? Do we think we're doing everyone a favor by sparing them the agonizing details of every emotion that is currently coursing through our veins?

But no, it's much easier to put up this armor that we've all created...to pretend that we're perfectly fine. The only problem is that when we do eventually get to the point of a complete breakdown, nobody knows how to handle it because we've been sending the message to them that we're totally okay.

I act like I don't miss you at all.
You act like you don't even know who I am.
But on those occasions that are happening more and more often, we make eye contact, just for a second. And I know that you're not as well off as you always pretend to be.

"When I looked up and saw you,

I know that you saw me.

We froze both for a moment in empathy.

I brought down the sky for you,

and all you did was shrug.

You give my emptiness a name."

I don't understand why you pretend that you can't see me.

And his heart of stone left hers breaking </3.

I Am The Patron Saint of Lost Causes, A Fraction of Who I Once Believed

"If life had background music playing your song...

I've got to be honest, I tried to escape you

but the orchestra plays on."

Whatever happened to "forever?"

Did it mean something else to you?

To me, it meant until we die.

As far as I'm aware...

We're still alive.

You Own It, You Better Never Let It Go

Because honestly, how often do we find someone that we legitimately can't go an hour without thinking about? Someone that you can completely be yourself with, no question. Someone that you trust enough that they know things about you that literally nobody else on the planet does. Someone that's come through for you more than you've ever expected anyone to. Someone that you can talk to anyone about.

Someone you thought of even though your life was "perfect" and going just the way you wanted....

"You only get one shot-

do not miss your chance to blow.

This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo."

I guess I just can't seem to grasp the concept that you're out of my life?

Maybe because I know you'll just come back again.

Or maybe because I'm just terrified you won't.

You know what they say- "Take her while you still have the chance. She won't wait around forever."

Well. I really don't want to be the girl that waits forever.

I'm pretty sure you're worth waiting for.

But please, don't make me.

I Could Follow You To The Beginning, Just To Re-Live The Start

Every time I tell your story, this wave of nostalgia rushes over me. I miss whoever the fuck you used to be.

And my favorite part is when they say things like:
"I don't get why you aren't together."
"He definitely likes you."
"He just seems confused or doesn't want to admit it."
"You don't say that kind of thing to just friends."

So I'm not sure what the fuck any of that even means.

But I guess we'll find out soon enough.

I'll Be Fine, I Swear. I'm Just Gone Beyond Repair.

I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

Fuck it. I care.

But why the hell should I care, when all you've done is use me and take advantage of me, then toss me to the curb when you don't need someone around anymore who worships the fucking ground you walk on, then allow me to have the "priveledge" of coming back into your life when nobody else will take you?

"And I'll have you know, I'm scared to death

that everything that you had said to me

was just a lie until you left."

Prove me wrong. Please. I can't take this anymore.

The more I want you, the more obsessed I am with trying to get over you. But the more I try to get over you, the more I end up missing you and wanting you back.

And I know this is really my fault for letting this happen, but still. You're sitting back with your bowl of popcorn and watching my life fall apart. And why not? You don't really need me right now, and I'm too much of a burden for you to deal with at the moment. And besides, whatever you do to me doesn't matter, because I'll take you back when you really need me, because that's just the kind of loving person I am. I just let people walk all over me, right? Remember when that used to bother you? Yeah, I guess that was before you realized you could use it to your advantage. I don't know if she did this to you, or if this is who you've really always been. But I sincerely hope you open your eyes, because you're going to crash one day, and you'll have nobody there to help you. I'm done going to you. I know if you try to come back, I'll let you. But the fact that I know you're probably going to try....

You are one mother fucking sick individual.

This Is No Place To Try And Live My Life.

People say it all the time- I live in the past.
But maybe that's not such a bad thing.

"I don't want you to know where I am,

'cause then you'll see my heart

in the saddest state it's ever been."

How else can we learn from our mistakes, and relive the moments that actually made us happy? Because right now, all I can do is think back to when I didn't have to force that smile on my face. So, my apologies if I'm "stuck in the past."

"Stop right there, that's exactly where I lost it.

See that line? I never should have crossed it.

Stop right there, I never should have said that,

It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to wish I'd never become that way again,

'cause who I am hates who I've been,

who I am hates who I've been."

But those who ignore the past are doomed to repeat it.
I'm not quite sure how I got to be this way, how or why I hit rock bottom so goddamn hard.
But the fact of the matter is, I did.
And I'm sure as hell not going to let it happen again.

 But I don't know how to change.

But, in a way, our mistakes have brought us here today.

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

Moats and Boats and Waterfalls, Alleyways and Pay Phone Calls

She stood before him, tears running out of her vibrant eyes, down her cheeks.
"I've reached my breaking point," she cried.

He smiled at her, softly and surely.
"There are no such things as breaking points," he told her. "Just obstacles that get in our way. Walls. And all you need to do is get over that wall of yours, and you can continue on your way."

So the weeks went by.
She made her way up the wall in front of her daily, growing used to the support of his hands to guide her.
But, one day, when she looked down,
they were gone.

And she fell. Hard. But she was determined to make her way over the wall, with or without him.
She gave up on practicality; she wanted up and over, and she wanted it now.
So she jumped. And jumped. Over and over, she tried to jump. But it was never high enough.

And he found her one day, sitting next to the wall, curled up and crying.
He took her in his arms, and just held her, for he had never been one for apologies.
She turned to him, looked him dead in the face.
"I can't do it," she whispered.

He looked at her with the same gentle smile.
"Maybe jumping isn't the best way to get over this wall," he said. "But if you're willing to be patient, I can help you build your ladder."

She looked reluctant.
"I just want to go home," she sighed.

He wrapped her in his arms even tighter.
"Anywhere you're with me, you're home. Never forget that."

The Sky Is Vast, But It Does Not Judge

One could consider that a good thing, 

for if the sky judged everything it saw...

we'd live in one HELL of a world.

"God save us, everyone.

Will we burn inside the fire of 

a thousand suns?

For the sins of our hand, 

the sins of our tongue,

the sins of our father, 

the sins of our young."

--The Requiem- Linkin Park

Because None Of It Was Ever Worth The Risk...

You are an exception.
But not the only exception.

Every day, we take risks. For some of us, isn't it a risk to simply wake up in the morning? Among other things, I am a hypochondriac, an obsessive worrier. I rack my brain constantly for even the most out-there and insane possibilities for disaster. Why? The safest answer would be so I can brace myself. But that's not even remotely realistic; you can never truly brace yourself for death, disaster, destruction...(I'm noticing a trend with the letter "D"?)
So maybe the reason is just because I have a broad imagination. I know what's out there, and I know what's possible. I try to figure out how I would react in any given situation. I'm curious to know how much I can actually handle, without actually handling anything. (Which is clearly not a reliable indication of anything...)

So with all this potential for harm and hurt, what makes everything worth it? What compells me to leave the "safety" of my house and step into the cruel world that awaits?
The answer is simply this:
There are things that I want to do and accomplish.
There are things I want to experience.

I'm not going to let my fear of falling stop me from taking that jump.
I will never learn to fly if I keep my feet on the ground.

But You Never Seem To Run Out Of Things To Say...

I guess you can consider me "the kind of girl that ____" (fill in ridiculous but usually-true stereotype of teenage girls here.) I guess. I don't know for sure. But what I do know is this:

I'm the kind of girl that can listen to one song on repeat for hours. Maybe because it reminds me of a memory, a person. Maybe because I like to have the background noise. Maybe just because I really, really, really, really like that song.


I'm the kind of girl that will make the same mistake repeatedly. Maybe because I don't care about the consequences of my actions. Maybe because I think that yes, I can make it right this time.


I'm the kind of girl that will give second and third and fourth chances to people that don't deserve them. Maybe because I believe, deep down, that people can learn from their mistakes, and change. Maybe because I just care about people so goddamn much and can't say no. Maybe because they mean too much to me to let them walk out of my life; after all, love is all about finding someone's imperfections and viewing them to be utterly, simplistically, perfect.

I'm the kind of girl that likes to start trouble, never knows what she wants to say but never shuts up, uses songs to express herself, and is completely and undoubtedly insane. I play my music way too loud, I trip over everything, and I make a fool of myself more often than not. Maybe because it's who I want to be. Maybe because it's who I need to be to survive in this goddamn world. I'm not going to change myself to fit a stereotype, to become what I "should" be.

This is who I am. Take it or leave it.
I'd rather you walk out of my life, leaving us both unsatisfied, than have you remain and try to "fix" me.
I am NOT broken.

Forgive Me For My Insensitivity

We get it, you're happy. Do you really need to be absolutely obnoxious about it? Do you really think everyone cares?
I'm sorry. That was rude of me. I'm glad that you're happy. I guess it just kind of kills me that you're so happy without me. I know, I know, I'm a bitch. My apologies.
But it's okay. When she breaks your heart like I know she will (probably soon, if we're being honest here) I know that you'll be devastated. And if that's what needs to happen in order to get you back, well, thank god this is only high school.
Pretty soon you're going to realize that I was right all along.
But how are you so okay? She won't let you touch her! I know you're probably dying inside. And even worse, I know that I'm right here. And you know that I'm right here. But somehow, we still aren't talking. For now.
You said forever. And I'll be damned if I don't hold you to that promise.

Where To Begin?

This is, what, my 4th attempt to start a blog in the past few years? I guess I'm just not very good at commitment. Well...that's a lie. I guess I'm just not very good at commitments that don't involve other people.

I'm at that point where I just need to let go...freefall. And maybe just letting myself ramble can help me do that? All I know is that I'm a girl with a broken heart that's impossibly full of hope. You'd think that by this point, I'd be one of those people that are terrified to trust other people and open up to them. But it seems the more people break my trust, the more I'm desperate to find someone who is trustworthy. My mistake. But as I've found in the past year, mistakes are only mistakes if you don't learn from them. 
So does that make you a mistake? Because I don't think I've learned what I should have. But I've learned so many other things. And I really don't think we're over yet.