*Fin

"If this is salvation, I can show you the trembling.
You'll just have to trust me. I'm scared.

I am the patron saint of lost causes.
Aren't we all to you just near lost causes?
Aren't we all to you just lost?"

 

-Anberlin

Ha.

If you look at it differently, this is almost funny.

I never would've imagined this. Not five years ago, not even one.

Funny how things change.

Into The Cave

Yesterday I ended my path to recovery. I'm not sure if it was intentional, but I honestly wouldn't be surprised. Maybe I don't want to save myself. Maybe I just hate that need I have inside myself to be perfect all the time.

I embrace the mistakes. Why?
If I let myself hate them, I would be even more worse off.

So I guess now begins a new trek; a new path, to a dark place I don't believe I've ever been. I'm not ready, and I don't think this is what I even want.

But some things are inevitable.

I feel like you're an empty hole in my heart that's impossible to fill.
Why can't you leave me alone?
Why can't I set myself free?
Why can't I fall asleep?

So much for a clean recovery.
Ha.

I'd be lying if I said this blog wasn't a cry for help.

I'd also be lying if I said I wanted to be saved.

Alright.

Self-loathing is the worst kind of hatred.

When you can't look at yourself in the mirror without cringing...
When you can't think about yourself without wishing you were someone else...

Hate is a strong word.

Turn it inward, and you're as good as dead.

I hate seeing your name in my outbox. It reminds me that it's not in my inbox.

We love that game, but we never play 'cuz we will lose.

You opened my eyes to things I'll never really see.

Do you want me to pick up the pieces? I will.

Thanksgiving

I'm going to try and remain optimistic. No promises.

Things I'm Thankful For:

1. My (partial) sanity.
2. Music to help me get through shit.
3. My friends. Ever single one of them. They're the reason I'm still here, and each one has their very own place in my heart. Even the ones I don't talk to as much, or the ones I rarely get to see (yes, Emily Greenberg, I'm talking to you, since I know you read my blog almost every day!). I wouldn't be able to stand all of the stuff going on without them, and I hope they all know that I would do absolutely anything to see them smile, keep them safe, and make them happy.
4. My sister. Yes, we fight. All the time. And yes, I'm often a total bitch to her because I'm more often than not in a terrible mood. But I live for the days where we go crazy and roll around on the floor laughing and play cards and just be wild. Because I love her so much, and I hate that my relationship with my parents is starting to take a toll on the relationship I have with my sister. But I'm going to try as hard as I can not to let them ruin anything between us. She's so beautiful and unique, and I love her with all my heart.
5. My problems. No, not really... But I feel like I should be, because I know they'll help me somehow in the long run. Hopefully.
6. That I have a pretty good life compared to most people. Yeah, I have problems in my life. Everyone does. And I know that I complain about how bad my life is. And yeah, I truly am unhappy. But I know that I would much rather choose this life than the lives of many other people in the world. And while I don't always show it, I really am thankful for all of the good, positive things in my life. Even the little things like my favorite TV shows and bubbles and coloring books and the smell of chlorine when I walk into my school's pool. And yes, my relationship with my parents sucks, and there's a chance I'll never speak to them once I grow up. But I'm thankful that I at least have a choice not to talk to them. Some people have never even met their parents, or they lost one or even both.
Yes, my life isn't as great as I wish it was.
But it's definitely not anywhere near as bad as it potentially could be.
And that is something I can be thankful for.

So yeah, I only got six things on my list. But the majority of those things are just titles, placeholders for the many feelings and appreciations I hold inside. I'm thankful for so many little things that it would truly be a waste to write them down. But I just might.

Happy Thanksgiving :)

"Do it or in 10 seconds I will walk you outside and close the door. Where you go after that is up to you."

Thanks, "Dad."

Lock me up. This time, I'm not going to fight.

Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop STOP.

I'm running. I'm running so fast that nothing can touch me...I'm finally in charge.

I'm flying. I am fucking flying. I'm over it all. Nothing can hurt me.

But I'm not flying.
I'm falling.
Hard.

I'm plummeting toward the ground so fast that I don't know which way is up.

I don't know how to make it stop.

Today is going to be a good day.
I can feel it. :)

Wrap Me In Your Arms, And Chill Me To The Bone

You left me with nothing. 

And you rub in in my face on a daily basis.

Slow the fuck down, I can't keep up with all of this.

Or better yet, just stop the world.

I want to get off.

 

She asked me if I was depressed. I said no. And she believed me.

I have no family.

And you know I see right through you, cause the world gets in your way. What's the point in all the screaming? No one's listening anyway.

I Never Meant To Hide Anything, But I'll Never Tell The Truth. Commit This To Memory

If only I had known....

I would've captured every moment, documented every second, every word.

I would've burnt every smile into my mind, and memorized all the laughs until I could've strung them together and turned them into my favorite song.

If only I had known that I wouldn't always have you within my reach.

Get me the fuck out of here.

I Shake And Burn Like An Addict. My Hearing's Dead; Only Static.

According to the various mental health websites I've consulted, I appear to have the symptoms of:

Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Bipolar

Manic Depression

OCD

ADHD

Early symptoms of Schizophrenia

Attachment/Dependency Problems

Dispersonalization

Good to know that I really am fucked up.

'Cause I'd Rather Feel Pain Than Nothing At All

You saved me in every way a person can be saved. And at the same time, I have nothing because you've taken all I can give.

You were the one person I could be myself with. But now, more than ever, I feel so disconnected from my own mind and body.

You were the only one that could handle me when I was breaking down, and helped make me stable again. And yet, I'm slowly going insane.

You gave me a purpose to be alive, to come out of my shell and actually mean shit to someone. And now I just want to curl up in a hole and waste away into nothing.

You made me feel like I was the most goddamn special girl on the planet. And now I feel like the most insignificant little speck in the entirety of the universe.

Funny how life screws you over, isn't it?
Funny how we always turn into the people we swore we'd never become.
Funny how the people that mean the most to us are the ones that hurt us the most.
Funny how it always seems so unexpected when in reality, it's so excrutiatingly predictable.

"People do crazy things for the people they love."

-You

She found out she's got no soul, but it really doesn't bother her.

Is Anybody Out There?

I try to believe in god. But I just can't bring myself to.

And honestly, if I did believe in god, I'd hate him.

So maybe it's a good thing that I don't.

11:11.
Make a fucking wish.

Is This The End Of Everything We've Known?

I'm sick of waiting for you to come back.
I'm sick of you being okay without me.
I'm sick of not being okay without you.
I'm sick of feeling so empty all the time.
I'm sick of not having you to hold onto.
I'm sick of being stuck in a one-way relationship that I no longer want to take part in.

I'm sick of you.

Get the fuck out of my head, and give me back my heart. All you're doing is breaking it.

"I've got the gun
All I need is ten cents for the bullet
I feel helpless, sleeping at best, waiting for your return
Are you ever coming home?"

 

 

 

 

Hide behind your half smile, but the truth is so undeniable.

My Mask Is Growing Heavy, But I've Forgotten Who's Beneath

What the hell is it about you that just refuses to let go of me? It's like you're fucking suffocating me, but want nothing to do with me.


I don't know how to handle this. You won't let me fix it. You won't let me change this for the better. And as much as I'm losing hope, I know that I'll never let myself give up. But for once, that's not a good thing.

"There's someone inside me 

that softly kills everyone around
They don't know they're dead to me,

cause intent never makes a sound"

Maybe you were right. I always end up destroying every relationship with a human being I ever have. This isn't the first time. It most like won't be the last. 

But right now, it's the worst.

I see you look at me with your arms draped around her shoulders, and I can't even read your expression. Taunting me, or regretting letting me go? Stop fucking looking into my eyes and still trying to pretend I don't exist.

"You're sick, sick as all the

Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide"

They all say to just get over you. And it's not like I'm not trying. But god, when someone takes that much of you and holds it over your head, it's impossible to walk away. I'll never be whole again. 

"There's an art in seclusion. Production in depression
if a stranger turns up missing, this song is my confession
Tell the tales of the trail of dead, lovers learn from slower hands
Losing self in myself, inner demons make demands"

I'm going INSANE.

Fire can make a conscience clean. Strike a match, we'll see.

We're Okay... Until The Day We're Not.

I don't understand why we all feel that we need to hide our own feelings.
Would it really be so goddamn terrible if we just stopped lying to ourselves and everyone around us for once? Do we think we're doing everyone a favor by sparing them the agonizing details of every emotion that is currently coursing through our veins?

But no, it's much easier to put up this armor that we've all created...to pretend that we're perfectly fine. The only problem is that when we do eventually get to the point of a complete breakdown, nobody knows how to handle it because we've been sending the message to them that we're totally okay.

I act like I don't miss you at all.
You act like you don't even know who I am.
But on those occasions that are happening more and more often, we make eye contact, just for a second. And I know that you're not as well off as you always pretend to be.

"When I looked up and saw you,

I know that you saw me.

We froze both for a moment in empathy.

I brought down the sky for you,

and all you did was shrug.

You give my emptiness a name."

I don't understand why you pretend that you can't see me.

And his heart of stone left hers breaking </3.

I Am The Patron Saint of Lost Causes, A Fraction of Who I Once Believed

"If life had background music playing your song...

I've got to be honest, I tried to escape you

but the orchestra plays on."

Whatever happened to "forever?"

Did it mean something else to you?

To me, it meant until we die.

As far as I'm aware...

We're still alive.

You Own It, You Better Never Let It Go

Because honestly, how often do we find someone that we legitimately can't go an hour without thinking about? Someone that you can completely be yourself with, no question. Someone that you trust enough that they know things about you that literally nobody else on the planet does. Someone that's come through for you more than you've ever expected anyone to. Someone that you can talk to anyone about.

Someone you thought of even though your life was "perfect" and going just the way you wanted....

"You only get one shot-

do not miss your chance to blow.

This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo."

I guess I just can't seem to grasp the concept that you're out of my life?

Maybe because I know you'll just come back again.

Or maybe because I'm just terrified you won't.

You know what they say- "Take her while you still have the chance. She won't wait around forever."

Well. I really don't want to be the girl that waits forever.

I'm pretty sure you're worth waiting for.

But please, don't make me.