I think you just ruined everything.

"Sweetie, he's bipolar. It's hard to have definite conclusions with him."
I think being with you is almost harder than being without you.

Can anyone say bipolar? I think I'm getting motion sickness from this roller coaster.

This is more than I could ever ask for, to be honest. But, to be more honest, I wish you were all mine.

The only reason I tried to hurt you was because I thought I never could. I'm so sorry.

Someone told me once when I was younger that if you don't get in fights with a friend, you're not really that close. Can't say I disagree.

I want you all the way now.
But thank you for coming back at all.
You're the only thing keeping my somewhat stable.

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did. I said I'd never let you fall, and I always meant it. If you never had a chance, then I never did. <3

You're going to be so goddamn sorry.

You're gonna catch a cold, from all the ice that's on your soul.

Who cares if you disagree? You are not me. Who made you king of anything?

The Reader

From The Reader:

"The tectonic layers of our lives rest so tightly one on top of the other that we always come up against earlier events in later ones, not as a matter that has been fully formed and pushed aside, but absolutely present and alive."

What You Never Knew

I'm quite a broken individual. My emotional pain causes tears to fly down my cheeks uncontrollably, but physical pain doesn't so much as make me stir. I can bite my lip and fake it, in most cases.

Break my arm, I can deal.
Break my leg, I can deal.
Break any body part, I can deal.
Break a promise, things get more complicated.
Break my heart?
This is territory I believe you don't really want to venture into.

I miss you more than words can describe, and it sickens me. How can I want someone so much when they hurt me so badly?

"It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

Yeah? Well what if you never stop loving, even if you've lost? What then?

Dear God.

Shred my soul to pieces; it can match my heart.

Twist my appearance into an indecipherable blur; it can match my mind.

Break my bones; they can match every ounce of my existence.

Prove to me that you exist.

What's the most creative, but effective, way for a person to die? I'd like to "go out with a bang," as they say.

It Feels So Damn Good To Write Off The Rules

I want you back in my life.

Hmmm.

I guess being depressed really does make you care less about things that used to be important to you. Yeah, I'm exhausted, even though it's 10:30 at night. And yes, considering the state of my exhaustion, I should be in bed, asleep. But I also know I won't be able to fall asleep for about an hour, at the least, considering my newly-adopted insomnia (that isn't REALLY new). So yes, I should be working on completing the forty-some flashcards due tomorrow for AP World History. And yet, I'm on Youtube, Facebook, and my blog. I even put my notecards away. And I didn't do my math homework, or study for the math and history tests I have tomorrow. And guess what? My mom said if I didn't get at least B's on both tests, I'm off of Facebook for a week. I most likely won't get B's on either test. You'd think I'd be working my ass off. But you know what? I honestly just don't give a shit. I think everything will work out in the end. And honestly, if it doesn't? It's not like I'm truly obligated to stay here.

They say suicide is a sin.
And my one response to that is simply:

I do not believe in god.

The devil can have me.

Maybe jumping off that cruise ship isn't such a bad idea. We all know I won't have some gorgeous Jack Dawson figure to save me.

I enjoy reading novels about teen mental hospitals. I'm not sure if it's because they make them seem more appealing or less appealing.

I wonder what you'll tell people when they ask why your daughter hasn't spoken to you in years.

Scattered

I don't understand how a roomful of people can smile when someone close to them has to be dragged out of the room because they are in so much pain. Her cries of agony were terrifying, and yet you all managed to continue on, laughing, as if nothing had happened? Look, I don't even know Kelsey that well. Not as well as a lot of you, anyway. And yet I was the one that couldn't concentrate because I was worried about her. Most of you didn't give it a second thought. What kind of people are you?


So many other people say they feel the same way as I do most of the time. So why do I feel so alone?

Intertwined

I was walking into Best Buy this evening, when I saw a couple a few yards ahead of me. There was nothing special about this couple in the slightest, nothing that really struck me about them. However, I began to wonder, "who comes to Best Buy as a couple this late, when it's so goddamn cold out?" And then I realized: I had no idea why.

We see countless people every day. It's safe to say that many of the paths we cross belong to people we've never seen before and may never see again. We simply ignore these strangers because, well, why wouldn't we?

It just suddenly hit me tonight, looking at this random couple walking into an electronics store, that I had no idea how much serenity or chaos could be taking place not ten yards away from me at any given time. I know that when I'm in public and my emotions are about to explode that it's sometimes almost impossible to tell that anything is wrong.

So much is happening at once on the planet, and we all get so caught up in our own lives that we don't bother to see the big picture. No, this isn't one of those "take the time to care about others" speeches. It's more of a "take the time to realize that you aren't alone here and be aware of other situations" speech.

Why was that couple walking into Best Buy that late on such a cold night? 

Maybe her insane mother-in-law threw their cordless phone out the window, and they needed to pick up a new one because he was expecting an important call later that night.

Maybe they were having relationship problems and were trying to resolve their issues with monetary items.

Maybe they were just beginning to fall in love and were picking out a movie to watch during the night.

Maybe they weren't even a couple.

You just never know.

Dear Sister,

I know I should be proud of you for your accomplishments, and I know that deep down, I truly am. But you have to understand how difficult it is for me to see you bask in your glory while I try so hard to gain any pride and respect I can from our parents. Writing has been my passion for as long as I can remember, and people tell me that I'm good. And here you are, eleven years old, and you're published in a book. I know how horrible of a person I am for being jealous. I know that it's wrong, and that I should just support you. But it hurts so much that I can never measure up to someone three years younger than me. It kills me that you're so superior to me in their eyes, when in reality, I've been through much worse situations than you could ever dream of. I guess that's partially my fault for hiding it. But you wouldn't want a fucked up sister, would you?

I really do love you. I just wish that they could be proud of me for once, too. I'm sorry that I'm so jealous and don't sing your praises like you deserve me too. I just can't let myself. I'm so sorry.

-Jami

Fuck You

Dear egotistical, immature, conceited bitches that feel the need to harrass me on a daily basis.

Yes, I actually DO care.

I know what you've been saying about me, and I know none of it is true. So get the hell out of my life. It's not like you're making anything easier for me.

No, I didn't try to "steal your boyfriend." He simply had a better relationship with me because I actually gave a damn about him.

No, I didn't start rumors about you or deface your picture on that stupid bulliten board. Like I said, I'm sorry that I'm not a five year old.

Fuck you.

-Me

This Just Makes Things So Much Better

Do I need help?
I probably do. I really should go see a therapist.
But I don't want to be "one of those people."
And I don't want to trust a random stranger with the "problems" that I apparently am not capable of handling on my own. I don't want to make someone else responsible for my well-being. Every time that happens I just get hurt.

No, Mr/s. Therapist, I don't want to meet you, invest my time in you, or even my parents' money. (Which is definitely the first thing on my mind, of course.) I know that you "care" and "want to help," and want to know how I feel about that, but really, aren't you just making money off of my insanity? How about we make you do this for free. Do you still "care" about me?

I don't like that I'm used to this kind of pain.

Yesterday, I Found A Hundred Dollars On The Floor

I swear on my life, I seriously did.

Maybe it's a good sign?

Who knows.

I'm in a good mood :)


(And no, I don't really feel guilty that I didn't turn it in. Whoever the fuck brings that much money to school and doesn't take care of it deserves to have it taken :P )


Now, enjoy a picture I drew and took and edited!

See, it's symbolic.

Beautiful things can come out of notsobeautiful ones.